Reposted from: http://www.lisashield.com/blog/why-he-wont-marry-you/

Written by : Lisa Shield

Why He Won’t Marry You 

Falling in love never felt so good

If you’re a woman who dreams of getting married, and especially if you want children, there’s nothing more devastating than hearing the love of your life suddenly start to question if he’s really the marrying kind. You distinctly remember that he was one who mentioned marriage in the first place. It was a couple of months after you’d started dating. You were at Trader Joe’s laughing and shopping together. You couldn’t believe that two people could have so much fun doing something so ordinary. Just as you were reaching for an avocado, you felt his arm around your waist. He spun you around, looked deep in your eyes and said, “I think I could get used to this. I might even marry you one day.” Your heart exploded. These were the words you’d been waiting your whole life to hear.

When reality sets in

Fast-forward two years later, and everything’s changed. The man who claimed he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you is having second thoughts. The more he applies the brakes, the more hurt and anxious you feel… and with good reason. You’re almost 35. You want kids now more than ever, and your biological clock is t-i-c-k-i-n-g! Any man in his right mind knows you don’t mention marriage to a woman unless you mean it. Did he mean it? And if he did, what made him change his mind?

In the early throes of passion, it’s easy for two people to make big promises to each other: marriage… children… a chocolate lab and a white picket fence. When a relationship is shiny and new and there are no issues or problems getting in the way, a man might really feel like the woman he’s with is The One and imagine spending the rest of his life with her. Sometimes, it’s even the man who sets the wheels in motion and brings the issue of marriage and children up first. But then, months or years down the line, things change. One day he’s talking about diamond rings and babies, the next day everything comes to a screeching halt. The man who claimed he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you is starting to rethink everything.

What the hell happened?

He led you to believe that you were on the same page, that one day you would get married and start a family together, so you invested precious years of your life in the relationship. Now, it feels like your whole life is unraveling. What the hell happened?

As a relationship coach, one of the biggest reasons I hear men give for questioning marriage is that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. A partnership that once felt easy and harmonious is now rife with anger and fighting, and the man doesn’t know how to deal with it.

When clients discuss this issue during their sessions, the women often claim the fighting and anxiety is a result of their partner’s hesitation to propose. Or, they’ve proposed, but they’re evasive when it comes to discussing the wedding. The women are convinced that all their troubles will be resolved once they walk down the aisle. But the men are afraid the fighting will carry over into the marriage. The men say that they believe there’s something about the way the women are pressuring and pushing to get their way that isn’t going to stop just because they’re married.

A vicious cycle

The more anxious and angry a woman gets, the more a man will dig in his heels. Men don’t want to be mothered or told what to do. They don’t want to be given ultimatums or deadlines and made to feel like they’re being pushed into doing something before they’re ready. Women, on the other hand, face very real deadlines, and the thought of missing out on marriage and a family can be traumatizing, not to mention anxiety provoking. It’s a vicious cycle.

Of course, there may be other factors at play as well: marriage, children, and a home all cost money. Though times have changed and many women are out-earning men, many men still feel it’s their duty to be financially responsible for their partner. There’s also tremendous pressure when it comes to taking on debt to finance a lavish wedding, not to mention the financial burden of children. Women also need to consider other, deeper issues that may be driving their partner’s fear, like coming from a broken family, having a father who cheated or a mother who was alcoholic. These difficult early life experiences can cause many men to feel avoidant and harbor a real fear of commitment, which is a serious issue that can be hard to discern in the midst of all the drama and fighting.

Getting to “I Do”

The very best thing a couple in this situation can do for themselves is to seek the help of a therapist or coach. I put my clients through some very structured listening exercises so that they can really start to hear each other’s perspectives and gain a deeper understanding of what’s happening on both sides. I encourage my clients to recognize that, in this situation, there are two people who are hurt and scared, and help them learn to come from a place of love rather than anger and desperation. Until both members of the couple understand where the other is coming from, it will be very difficult to move forward.

It is heartbreaking to find yourself in a position where the person you want to spend the rest of your life with won’t commit. With a ticking clock and your whole future hanging in the balance, it’s understandable that you would feel anxious and hurt. If you’ve found yourself in this situation and don’t know where to turn, I encourage you to set up a consultation and see how I can help.

Reposted from: http://www.higherperspectives.com/narcissist-and-empath-1557526215.html?c=ss

Published by: Higher Perspective

I’m an empath. I’m a healer. I absorb what other people are feeling it and feel it as if it were my own. My own pain, my own anguish, my own hurt. Narcissists rarely know an empath’s boundaries. It makes us easy to bond with. We eat their pain like breakfast lunch and dinner.

Are You An Empath Or A Narcissist? Find Out!

The victim.

A narcissist isn’t always confident by nature. They can be quiet, reserved, and sensitive too. They may engage in self-hatred and act like they aren’t worthy. They are often motivated by their fears and don’t truly have the capacity to fully be themselves or loved. Their narcissism is fueled by inferiority complexes.

The superhero.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the superhero. The one who thinks they’re smart, sexy, perfect, and just kick ass all the way around. They act like nothing can possibly hurt them and that your duty in life is to make them feel super great about themselves because they are, after all, the best.

The perfect lover.

This narcissist seems lovely at first because they display incredible care, affection, and perfection to you in the beginning. They flatter you, give you gifts, and make you love them. As soon as they have you, they use you until they are no longer interested. They eventually cast you aside as boring. These people are often “gold diggers” as well.

The elitist.

This is a type of narcissist that probably came from money and wants to stay that way. They grew up in the lap of luxury and as a result look down on everyone else. They may seem pragmatic, successful, intelligent, and driven at first, but eventually they demonstrate a desire to one up, brag, and self-promote.

The schemer.

This type of narcissist seems like they have good intentions from the start. They do good for people and their community, but there’s always something to their kindness. They expect something in return. And if they don’t naturally get it, they’ll demand it. If you don’t give it to them, get ready for a serious conflict.

Reposted from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/justice-schanfarber/why-women-leave-men-they-_b_8511584.html?ncid=edlinkushpmg00000208&te=Ozy

Written by: Justice Schanfarber

As a marriage counsellor working with men and women in relationship crisis, I help clients navigate numerous issues. While many situations are complex, there’s one profoundly simple truth that men need to know: Women leave men they love.

They feel terrible about it. It tears their heart out of them. But they do it. They rally their courage and their resources and they leave. Women leave men with whom they have children, homes and lives.

Women leave for many reasons, but there’s one reason in particular that haunts me, one that I want men to understand: Women leave because their man is not present. He’s working, golfing, gaming, watching TV, fishing…the list is long. These aren’t bad men. They’re good men. They’re good fathers. They support their family. They’re nice, likeable. But they take their wife for granted. They’re not present.

“Your wife is not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn it.”

Women in my office tell me: “Someone could come and sweep me off my feet, right out from under my husband.” Sometimes the realization scares them. Sometimes it makes them cry.

Men, I’m not saying this is right or wrong. I’m telling you what I see. You can get as angry, hurt or indignant as you want. Your wife is not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn it. Day by day, moment after moment. You win her over first and foremost with your presence, your aliveness. She needs to feel it. She wants to talk to you about what matters to her and to feel that you’re listening to her. Not nodding politely. Not placating. Definitely not playing devil’s advocate.

“She wants to feel your passion. Can you feel your passion?”

She wants you to feel her. She doesn’t want absent-minded groping or quick sex. She wants to feel your passion. Can you feel your passion? Can you show her? Not just your passion for her or for sex; your passion for being alive. Do you have it? It’s the most attractive thing you possess. If you’ve lost it, what’s the reason? Where did it go? Find out. Find it. If you never discovered it, you are living on borrowed time.

If you think you’re present with your wife, try listening to her. Does your mind wander? Notice. When you look at her, how deeply do you see her? Look again, look deeper. Meet her gaze and keep it for longer than usual, longer than what’s comfortable. If she asks what you’re doing, tell her: “I’m looking into you. I want to see you deeply. I’m curious about who you are. After all these years I still want to know who you are, every day.” But only say it if you mean it, if you know it’s true.

“I’m talking about five minutes a day to be completely present with the woman you share your life with.”

Touch her with your full attention. Before you put your hand on her, notice the sensation in your hand. Notice what happens the moment you make contact. What happens in your body? What do you feel? Notice the most subtle sensations and emotions. (This is sometimes described as mindfulness.) Tell her everything you’re noticing, moment after moment.

But you’re busy. You don’t have time for all this. How about five minutes? Five minutes a day. Will you commit to that? I’m not talking about extravagant dinners or date nights (although these are fine too). I’m talking about five minutes a day to be completely present with the woman you share your life with. To be completely open– listening and seeing without judgement. Will you do that? I bet once you start, once you get a taste, you won’t want to stop.

Note: The gender dynamic outlined above is reversible. It can go both ways.

This post first appeared on www.

Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/dating/love-purgatory/1044856/

Written by: Lauren Skirvin

Breakups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost.

But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory.

But, this kind of breakup is not the same. This breakup happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over.

Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy.

It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad.

So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself.

That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her.

Then you are right back to square one.

There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out.

Then, there are some who crush you, who take months to get over.

But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good.

You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.”

It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together.

Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together.

The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over.

In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah.

So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again.

You don’t just sit around and listen to sad music and wait though.

You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function in life.

You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He or she just isn’t _____ (fill in the blank with your person).

“She’s not Rachel,” is the famous line from “Friends.”

Although, it actually went more like, “She’s not Rachem,” for laughs. And, that is what this person, who has kept you in love purgatory, makes you feel; no one can ever compare.

Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal

Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after.

Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, breakup, makeup and go through hell with our person until it finally works out.

Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down.

Whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again.

Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all the great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will.

But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct.

Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “If you were mature about love it wouldn’t be this hard.”

But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How do you know?” Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else.

People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy.

If it’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier.

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.