Has your spouse started to dress a little differently or does he keep his vehicle a bit cleaner? Has he been acting slightly happier and more cooperative, yet all of a sudden he is busier and just leaving the house more often? (e.g. going out more often with “friends,” running more errands, etc.) If so, take heed. Take interest in his new activity/involvement if you’re curious about what’s really going on.
2. He doesn’t touch you as much.
Sometimes affection drops off a bit due to poor communication, unresolved issues or a recent argument. If this is unexplained behavior or he is repelling you with odd excuses, you may have a hint. At minimum, you have an issue in your relationship that needs to be addressed honestly.
Next month I will be 26, and over the past few years, I have changed. I’ve matured, I have become responsible, professional and reached a bit of success career-wise. After college ended and I experienced true independence, I started to find happiness in different things. I traded in my time partying for time reading and relaxing, my money eating out for cleaning supplies and cookware, and my love of carelessness for a love of responsibility. I became an adult! Don’t get me wrong — I still drink too much wine, I sometimes have a fit like a toddler over a bill and I usually buy clothes instead of gas, but the things that bring me happiness these days are pretty lame by my 21-year-old standards.
1. Farmers’ markets
Good golly, has this little homegrown piece of heaven been around my whole life? There is nothing I love more (except the nerdy things listed below) than going to the farmers’ market on a crisp fall morning. Being surrounded by all those vibrant, fresh, beautiful fruits, veggies and jams actually makes me want to quit the corporate world and become a farmer.
Researchers at the University of Denver found that couples who discuss their status from the beginning have better marriages than those who just go with the flow. And “these are conversations you should have throughout a relationship,” says study coauthor Galena Rhoades, Ph.D. So Glamour grilled experts and long-term happy couples and came up with the 10 Define-the-Relationship talks to have, all without ever saying, “We need to talk.”
The Note to Self Talk
Believe it or not, the first chat you need to have, before you start dating anyone seriously, is with yourself, says Thomas Bradbury, Ph.D., director of UCLA’s Relationship Institute. Are you ready to be part of a couple? How do you feel about your work, social circle, family? All the stars don’t have to be perfectly aligned, but you should be happy with your own life before getting together with someone else, he says.
The “So…What Do I Call You?” Talk
Jason, 42, a Los Angeles advertising exec, and girlfriend Megan were friends with benefits for three years before making their commitment official. “We had a blurry relationship,” he says, “but we knew we loved each other.” Then Megan texted: “Come over tonight…boyfriend.” Jason was relieved and laughed. “I thought, Finally!” he says. They talked, and have been together for six years now.
The “How Much You Got?” Talk
What do couples fight about most? Money. So what do you need to learn to talk about? Money. Within the first few months, you each need a sense of the other’s financial picture, says money expert Farnoosh Torabi. A conversation starter she suggests: Sit down together (optional insert: two margaritas), and each write on a Post-it your salary, debt, credit score, savings, and any major fact like “I have a trust fund”; then swap Post-its. Do it, and every money talk that arises after that—kids’ tuition, career moves, kitchen renovations—will be easier.
The 50 Shades of Sex Talk
Janelle, 34, a photographer in West Palm Beach, Florida, suspected her single days were much crazier than her boyfriend’s. “I opened up,” she says. “He wasn’t threatened by my past, and that moment has let us keep talking sex for eight years!” And periodic check-ins are important, Levkoff stresses. “Throw out a casual question like: ‘What do your friends say about their sex lives?’ Or, ‘Would you ever do that thing we saw on Orange Is the New Black?’ You never want to have a sit-down-and-talk conversation about your own sex life because then it becomes finger-pointy.”
The Living Together Talk
Studies have found that couples who discuss living together have stronger marriages than those for whom the roommate thing just…happens. Erin, 34, a dentist from Melville, New York, remembers blurting out to her boyfriend that maybe he should move in. “He stammered,” she says, “and I backpedaled,” but a few days later, they started actually talking—and now they’ve been married three years. The opposite happened for Nancy and her guy: “Once we considered what the next step meant for our finances and future,” says the 37-year-old San Diego aesthetician, “things unraveled. Ultimately, it was for the best. I took a trip to recover, and met my husband!”
The Marriage Talk
Despite the Hollywood cliché, “fewer and fewer guys pop the question out of the blue,” says Rhoades. “Most couples discuss it first.” And that’s good—even if you’re deciding not to put a ring on it, like Jason and Megan, who have committed to being together forever without marrying. (“We’d shared opinions on this even before we dated,” says Jason.) For Meg, the blogger, the technique that worked was keeping the conversation casual: “After seven years, he hadn’t made a move,” she recalls. “So on the way to a weekend away, I said, ‘Ya know, our friends think we might get engaged on our trip.’” It started a discussion, and within months they’d decided to marry.
The Religion Talk
Jeanine, 34, a consultant from Northport, New York, and her future husband got this chat out of the way on their second date (not too early, says Rhoades). “He’s Jewish and said his kids had to be raised that way,” recalls Jeanine, who’s Catholic. “I could do that, but I told him I would never convert.” To her huge relief, he joked, “If you could turn your back on Jesus, how do I know you’d never cheat on me?” They now have two kids and a Christmas tree… and a menorah.
The Having Kids Talk
For most couples, the decision to become parents requires several conversations, says Rhoades, possibly starting with saying something on the first date like, “Did you enjoy being from such a large family? Would you ever want that?” Before getting too serious, you should be more direct, she says. “Maybe it starts with, ‘So, if things work out, would we want to have children?’” Discuss both how many and when. “We decided to give ourselves five years just to be married. I didn’t want pressure until I’d seen my job as a pro soccer player through,” says Jennifer, 37, a Hartford, Connecticut-based coach and mom of two.
The “Ugh, I Hate You” Talk
You’re going to argue, of course. But this talk is about figuring out how—it’s essential to establish the ground rules for when things get tough. Michelle, 36, a drug rep in Nashville, and her husband used to have a rule not to go to bed angry. “But that always backfired because at night we were tired, and when we tried to talk things out, they escalated,” she says. So they talked and “we decided to sleep on our issues. Often they just blow over.”
The Big-Picture Talk
Are you happy? Am I happy? Are we happy? “You think you know what he’s thinking, but trust me, even after 50 years, you have to ask,” says Virginia, 69, of Huntington, New York. She credits her 51-year marriage to a little luck and a lot of communication. “You always have to be hashing stuff out—planning the future or just talking about how life went today,” she says. “And if you feel uncomfortable, that’s when you really need to talk—so do it.”
Nearly three-quarters of adults say they’re stressed about this factor. (Photo: Getty Images)
Even with the U.S. economy on the rebound, Americans are more stressed out about money than ever, and the financial strain is harming the nation’s health.
The American Psychological Association’s “Stress in America” survey results for 2014, released this week, shows that 72 percent of adults report feeling stressed about money at least some of the time, and 22 percent say that they experience extreme stress about money. Top reported triggers include paying for unexpected expenses, paying for essentials, and saving for retirement.
While money generally stresses people out across the board, the survey finds that the hardest hit, stress-wise, are parents, millennials, Gen X-ers, and lower-income households (those bringing in less than $50,000 per year). In other words: anyone besides wealthy Baby Boomers without children to support.
Women shoulder much of the burden. Far more women than men say they have lain awake at night in the past month due to stress — 51 percent, compared with 32 percent of men).
For the first time, the annual report shows a disturbing trend: All of this financial strain is negatively affecting Americans’ health. Parents are more likely than nonparents to report engaging in unhealthy stress-management techniques, such as drinking alcohol and smoking. And 32 percent of adults say that their lack of money prevents them from living a healthy lifestyle, while 12 percent report skipping going to the doctor because of financial concerns. Almost a third of adults with partners (31 percent) report that money is a major source of conflict in their relationships.
There is some good news: Stress as a whole is trending downward, with lower overall levels reported now than in 2007. But that stress is still way too high. “Despite the good news that overall stress levels are down, it appears that the idea of living with stress higher than what we believe to be healthy and dealing with it in ineffective ways continues to be embedded in our culture,” Norman B. Anderson, PhD, CEO and executive vice president of the American Psychological Association, says in a statement.
Chronic stress is directly linked to myriad health issues, including high blood pressure, ulcers, irritable bowl syndrome, headaches, and depression. As difficult as it is to find a way to relieve the mind when life is a pressure cooker of stress, taking a moment to care for oneself is incredibly important. Studies repeatedly show that one of the best ways to reduce stress is with exercise, which lowers stress hormone levels in your body — and it doesn’t mean spending hours at a gym every day. Experts agree: Even a simple walk around the block for a few minutes can do a world of good for the body and mind.
Whoever said that best friends were the chocolate chips of life was definitely onto something. They’re the sweetness, sprinkled in between the muck of life – they’re the cause for celebration and excitement; they’re with you, always, even when you’re sure you don’t need them (but you always do).
They’re tender and always in style. Best friends, like chocolate chips, never lose their secret touch — they always add a little something extra to the mix, a little something sweet. So it makes sense to treat them as synonymously as we do our favorite, timeless chocolate treats.
Best friends are… well, best friends are everything.
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