Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/dating/love-find-choice-make/1284936/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=EG&utm_content=1284936

Written by: Paul Hudson

Falling in love, being in love, loving for eternity — these are individual states of being, but they’re also impossible to separate from each other. Each phase is necessary for true love to happen and to continue. If you take any of the variables out of the equation, what you’re left with isn’t love.

This is the problem. How do some relationships fail from the start, and others take years to fall apart? Why do some relationships never fail?

I’d point to people not understanding the importance of each “stage” of love. I say “stage” because these things tend to progress in order. You have to fall in love to be in love, and you have to be in love to commit yourself wholly to someone — to love for eternity.

There are no shortcuts. This is the natural order of things, and it is the way it will always be.

Most people believe love must be found. I disagree. Someone worth loving must be found. But love itself isn’t something you stumble on. It’s not something that even exists when you and the love of your life meet. It comes later.

It takes time to develop, to nurture and maintain. Love doesn’t come easily. And the belief that love should be constant and effortless is the reason why people get their hearts broken so often. It’s why relationships and marriages fail. It’s why some of us lose hope in ever finding true love. It’s why some of us give up on it altogether.

In the end, love comes down to a decision. You have to consciously decide that you love your partner, and you need to decide this every day for the rest of your shared life.

Love isn’t something you find; it’s a choice you make. And I can prove that.

1. Falling in love

Meeting the right person is a beautiful thing. It’s not easy to find someone you feel comfortable around. It’s exciting not to be alone anymore, to no longer have to go through life without holding someone’s hand. It’s exciting to believe you’ve met someone you can fall for.

Excitement and mystery make falling in love possible. And these emotions bring us to the first “stage,” or as I call it — falling in love.

But before you know you’ve fallen in love, you have to first think you’re falling in love. And the difference between thinking you’re falling in love and actually falling in love comes down to your choices.

2. Being in love

Being in love is life’s greatest teacher. You’re “in love” once the excitement of falling in love (the first stage) begins to wane. The storm begins to calm.

Of course, you still think about your partner all the time. You care for him or her and want to spend time together. But the intensity you felt in the beginning of the relationship is no longer as strong.

This psychological and hormonal change is what most often scares people away. This is when most people begin to question their love. They wonder if they’re with the right person. They wonder if what they have is “true love” — or if their feelings were not simply a result of a chemical high. They wonder if they still love their partner.

They used to feel so excited, but now they’re comfortable. And even though people generally aim to be comfortable in life, being comfortable in love is scary.

Many people want stability in every area of their lives except for love. They want love to sweep them off their feet, day after day. But love doesn’t work like that. Sometimes love is quiet.

3. Loving

Only people who reach the uncertainty and self-doubt inherent in “being in love” (the second stage) get to the last one, which is simply “loving.” This is the kind of love that lasts, the one that weathers storms and bumps and bruises.

The people in the last stage have realized love is a choice. They know love wanes only when we let it. It disappears when we stop being conscious of our choices in love.

It’s a shame that we’re taught to believe that love should make things easier — that meeting the right person is enough to make us happy.

Because if we were taught that love takes work — that it takes conscious effort and devotion — hearts wouldn’t break nearly as often as they do. The world is in shambles because people don’t understand what it means to love.

And unless you decide to love — unless you choose to love — you’ll never be happy.

Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/dating/dont-want-to-be-friends/1203631/

Written by: Sandy Reitman

You’ve been dating him for a while. Long enough that you’re really invested. He knows all of you. You know each other so well and so intimately.

Maybe you’ve lived together or shared holidays; maybe you’ve traveled together, or you’ve got a routine down. You know what he’ll order off a menu, and he knows what you like to drink. He gets you, and you get him.

But now, your relationship is coming to an end, and you have to have the dreaded breakup conversation (insert eye roll here). He tells you why he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, and you agree on some level.

You knew it wasn’t totally working, but this sucks. At the end of it all, you know you’re breaking up, but he insists he “still wants to be friends.”

Friends, huh? FRIENDS? Like one of those friends you play videos games with and draft your fantasy football team with? Or the friends you usually forget to call back? The kind of friends you only see at weddings or the ones you hang with on the reg?

We’re “friends” who just spent the last few months — or years — dating and really getting to know each other. Getting to know each other’s families, psychoses and idiosyncrasies. We were more than just friends — we were lovers.

Reposted from: http://lauradoyle.org/blog/give-up-control/

Written by: Laura Doyle

15 Things Happen When You Give Up Control

The World-Famous System for Relinquishing Control has Unexpected Side Effects

What happens when 18 women tell the up-close and personal story of how their marriages were struggling in some way, and describe exactly how they stopped controlling to restore the passion and playfulness?

First, you get an inspiring book of best practices for a playful, passionate marriage, which you can then apply to your own relationship.

Second, some other patterns emerge.

Let’s say you’re in the habit of giving your husband “helpful suggestions,” like all of us were.

Or maybe you’re less subtle about it, and you just come right out and tell him what to do, like we also did.

And let’s say that one day you decide to stop controlling…

Then what?

Here’s what we found out by putting all the first-hand accounts together in the book Surrendered Wives Empowered Women: Inspiring True Stories of Women Who Made Their Relationships Intimate, Passionate and Peaceful Again: As soon as you stop controlling your guy, your relationship gets so much better!

AND all of this happens too…

1) You discover your real purpose in the world.

This one is obvious if you think about it.

Being the arm-chair critic of your man’s life is a big distraction from your own life, which you’re not paying attention to when you’re trying to control him.

It’s like your life is riding around in a car with no one at the wheel, maybe faking an injury so it can get some attention.

What emerged is that as we stopped focusing on him, our real purpose in the world was there waiting for us, calling us to come out of hiding.

Relinquishing inappropriate control led us to the joy of doing what we were born to do.

2) You regain your dignity.

None of us liked feeling like our mother on her worst day.

The part where you keep calm and carry on like a Londoner during The Battle of Britain in WWII? Surprisingly gratifying.

3) You get a lot more energy.

Controlling someone you can’t control is exhausting.

Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/dating/advice-from-toxic-relationships/1247518/

Written by: Alexia LaFata

When you’re stuck in a sh*tty relationship, it’s hard to know what to do.

You love this person. You’ve invested so much time in this person. But ultimately, the relationship is leaving you with more misery than joy, and you know you have to end it.

Finding the strength to do so, however, can be tough.

What has to happen for you to finally be pushed over the edge? What insult, teardown or mind f*ck does this person have to throw at you for you to find it in you to tell him to go away forever?

Or is your heart so wrapped up in the fantasy of the person you know he’s capable of being that you simply can’t fathom EVER giving up, no matter how poorly he treats you?

When it comes to matters of the heart and soul, there’s no easy answer. Recently, I talked to some people about their worst, most toxic relationships ever and the moment they knew they had to get out of it.

They have some advice for you.

Know your worth.

Please, get out. Know your worth. You are amazing, and he is a sac of hairy, smelly balls. Someone better is out there. Please, just don’t do this to yourself.

–Marie, 22

Your mental health is more important than trying to fix his.

–Kelli, 22

LIFE IS SHORT. Seriously. We all have the feeling sometimes that we don’t want to hurt anyone, and we can stick it out. Maybe things will change. But if it’s in your heart that something is not going to work out, don’t waste your time, and don’t waste your partner’s. It might be hard, but staying in a terrible relationship is not doing either of you any favors.

–Christiana*, 23

It’s not worth it.

Consistent sex is never worth the stress. Girls will always be there, and just as easily as you convinced yourself that you cannot live without your partner, you can just as easily get comfortable with being single.

Also people tend not to change, so if you like dealing with the bullsh*t, then don’t lie to yourself and call your relationship terrible because you secretly like arguing and all that. Also, if you’re going to break up, do it in person or over a call. Texting is for soft ass dudes.

–Farmsworth*, 24

That no relationship is worth that kind of trauma. You need to value yourself enough to know you deserve more. Someone who really loves you doesn’t want to hurt you.

–Gina*, 25

Get out of it now. It might be the harder short-term decision to make, but you’ll be saving yourself a lot of misery in the long-term. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can start getting over it… and the closer you are to a better life.

–Lucky*, 25

People don’t change.

It’s really, really rare for someone to be able to change dramatically enough to make a difference.

–Jen*, 25

Leave that person immediately; it’s not gonna get better. Ever. People rarely change, and they most certainly don’t change FOR YOU. And if you think that’s what you deserve, think again. It can always be better.

Like, don’t let anyone treat you like sh*t or give up on true love just because some idiot hurt you or made you think this is all you’ll ever get. If this is all you know, all you have — let go, and understand that you don’t have to suffer.

Be f*cking picky. After all, letting the wrong people into your life will do more damage than good.

–Farina, 18

Get the f*ck out. See the light, before that girl goes “Gone Girl” on your ass and, you’re in it for good. Nobody wants a “Gone Girl” situation on his hands.

–Michael*, 26

Your friends know best.

If everyone around you is telling you this is dysfunctional, it’s PROBABLY dysfuctional. Do not minimize the opinions of those who know you the best.

–Gina, 22

That is actually going on right now. I told him “Mate, I want to see you happy, and if that is with this girl, then I will support you. But you’re not happy. You know it. I know it. We both know what you have to do, but it is up to you to decide whether you want to or not.”

–Jordy, 23

Unfortunately, most people don’t see how bad things are from the outside, even when someone points it out to them — it’s one of those things you just have to let people figure out for themselves.

If I were really worried about a friend — say, her BAE is rude to others, or he’s cheating on her, or I’m worried that he’s being abusive or controlling — I’d stage some kind of intervention. But I think most of the time, you just have to be there for your friend while she sorts it out.

–Katie, 22

I’d say, “Girl, I’ve been there (I hung on for three-plus years), and I get it, but you’re being real f*cking dumb.”

–Katie*, 23

Run.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! The longer you stay in it, the more hurt you’ll be when it ends (Oh, and it WILL end. Beat him to the punch).

–Sheena, 25

Break up with him or her if you feel this way sooner than later. If you can’t do that, then just wait him or her out — a person like that can’t be patient.

–James*, 23

Get the f*ck out. If you have to think about if you should still be in the relationship, you shouldn’t be in the relationship.

–Lauren, 20

I’d say run while you can!

–Sammy*, 22

Reposted from: http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Marriage/7-Kinds-of-People-You-Definitely-Want-to-Marry.aspx?utm_source=JesusChristPageDeskMarryKindSEPT&utm_medium=paid_distribution&utm_campaign=GlobalScope#