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15 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About My First Year Of Divorce

Tuesday, August 18, 2015 Break -ups, Churches, Dating, Diet, Divorce, Exercise, Geaux Girl, Relationships, Sports, Woman's Health Permalink

Reposted from: http://www.yourtango.com/2015277958/15-things-i-wish-someone-told-me-about-year-one-of-divorce?utm_content=bufferf3f03&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

post-divorce

Hindsight. We love it. Too bad we can’t have it beforehand.

That first year after your divorce can be a real humdinger. There’s so much going on, so many new things happening, and so many emotions floating around. In retrospect, you wish someone would’ve told you the specifics, as far as the things that get better or easier.

Here’s what I wish I’d known during that first year:

1. You don’t have to be perfect all of a sudden. Sure, people are watching (mainly your ex and your in-laws) to see how you do. But that doesn’t mean you have to be superhuman. Stop scrubbing the cat box with your old toothbrush at 3AM and forget about getting up an hour early to do your makeup.

2. You’re alone now, but not forever. Yes, you will find someone else one day, if and when you want to. Right now, just find the blessings in being alone. There are plenty.

3. Your mother will get over it. Really.

4. Dating really isn’t dead/all that bad. Eventually, it even becomes fun.

5. Your bed might seem empty at first … but later on, you’ll revel in the fact that the whole thing is yours. The whole thing.

6. You’re about to forge a whole new relationship with your kids. No matter how good/touchy/close your relationship with your kids is now, there’s a bond between single parents and their kids that’s amazing and unique only to them.

7. That weight gain or unwanted weight loss will right itself. The emotional eating will go away. The stress-induced starvation will, too.

8. Forget what you lost; recognize what you’ve gained. The good and the bad are gone. But a whole new world, full of possibilities that only you get to choose, has opened up to you.

9. Missing him will fade. Pretty soon, you won’t miss being with him. You might miss being with someone, but that can be fixed.

10. You didn’t fail; your marriage failed. You’ll go on to triumph at other things and one of them might even be marriage.

11. Don’t discount the little things. Closet space. Your favorite foods on the menu. A bathroom all to yourself. Ugly but comfy jammies. They all matter.

12. Your life is now your design. It’s not empty; it’s blank. Write a new one.

13. He was an idiot, anyway. There you go. Someone said it for you.

14. You don’t have to figure it all out this week. Make mistakes. Take your time. Shelve things for later. Shake it off. Your life just changed completely. You have a lot of new things to learn. Give yourself the patience you’re giving your kids.

15. This too shall pass. Whatever it is, it’s temporary. Unless it’s good, in which case, you should keep it.

Everything’s new. Things are in upheaval. You’re up one day and down the next. But every day, you’re one step closer to a happy and fulfilling new life that you will rock.

So, take a deep breath and remember that this is just the first week, month, or year

 

 

 

She Doesn’t Need You: Why Everyone Is Afraid Of An Independent Woman

Wednesday, July 29, 2015 Break -ups, Churches, Dating, Diet, Divorce, Exercise, Geaux Girl, Relationships, Sports, Woman's Health Permalink

Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/women/afraid-independent-woman/1100327/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=EG&utm_content=1100327

Written by: Zara Barrie in Women

Paramount PIctures

Sometimes it feels as if every single woman ever to grace the silver screen of a major motion Hollywood picture is depicted the same exact way. A trip to the movie theatre is f*cking groundhogs day.

You know exactly what sort of leading lady I’m talking about: the damaged damsel in distress who’s tragically tethered to the tree of danger, and is patiently awaiting a sweepingly powerful (masculine) energy to find her in the thick of the forest, cut the ropes with his bare hands, rescue her and wrap up her tiny body in his big, burly arms.

OR it’s the doe-eyed, heartbreakingly self-destructive waif who hates herself with a fervent relentlessness and we watch, teary-eyed, as she spirals into the harrowing vortex of addiction and self-abuse — until the earth shattering moment an authoritative male figure magically appears in her life, by absolute happenstance, and an instant falls in love with her and peels her off the ground, saving her from the cell of herself.

Though it comes in many cinematic styles and is targeted toward a vast array of age ranges: It’s the same f*cking story every f*cking movie.

What really gets under my skin is that society does a pretty damn good job at pretending to “love” and “celebrate” the independent woman. It’s confusing.

Continue Reading…

9 Signs You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Monday, July 27, 2015 Break -ups, Churches, Dating, Diet, Divorce, Exercise, Geaux Girl, Relationships, Sports, Woman's Health Permalink

Reposted from:http://www.beliefnet.com/Wellness/Galleries/9-Signs-You-Are-in-an-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship.aspx?utm_source=keywee&utm_medium=paid_distribution&utm_campaign=keyweeJUN&kwp_0=30240&kwp_4=170137&kwp_1=167791#

Proceed with caution…

Think you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship? Here are nine signs that it’s time to walk away.

You’re on a daily emotional roller coaster

One minute your significant other is loving and the next, punishing you for not doing things correctly. This is a major red flag. Manipulation plays a huge role in most abusive relationships. This constant emotional roller coaster ride of arguments and apologies is definitely unhealthy and a sign it’s time

They isolate you

It’s one thing for your spouse to love spending quality time with you but when the person you’re with starts isolating you from family and friends, there’s a problem. It’s healthy for you to have relationships outside of the relationship with your significant other. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.

Issues of jealousy

An emotionally abusive partner or spouse isn’t just jealous of the people you’re closest with but also your dreams and goals because they want to control all aspects of your life. A secure person doesn’t need to be jealous of the relationship you have with others because they trust you and the relationship you’ve created together.

Arguments tend to escalate, quickly

Occasional arguments are not uncommon in relationships, and are not always unhealthy but arguments in emotionally abusive relationships are. These arguments tend to escalate quickly and have no end point. Even day-to-day conversation can escalate to physical abuse, so beware.

You’re nervous around them

Abusive partners and spouses will use any tactic they can to keep you down, including threats of violence as a way to assert their dominance over you. If you feel any form of fear around the person you’re in a relationship with, it’s time to walk away.

Constant put downs

No matter what you do in the relationship, it’s never right and it’s never enough. When you talk to them, especially about your accomplishments, they put you down and make you feel small for the decisions you made

You go out of your way to make them happy

Nothing’s wrong with wanting to keep your significant other happy but when you find yourself pleading for their happiness, there’s an issue. You may even find yourself staying silent even when you’re angry just to keep the peace.

You feel trapped

Helplessness is an ever-present emotion in emotionally abusive relationships. Often times, abusive partners will try controlling all aspects of your life, including personal items like your car and phone and what you do with your spare time. It you’re feeling trapped, it’s time to take the leap of faith and walk away.

You start believing you’re the problem

After all the arguments and put downs, you start believing that you’re not worth any more than the abuse. This is simply a manipulation tactic and a way to justify the abuse. You’re not crazy or the problem. You’re worth so much more

7 Signs You Are With the Person You Should Marry

Monday, July 27, 2015 Break -ups, Churches, Dating, Diet, Divorce, Exercise, Geaux Girl, Relationships, Sports, Woman's Health Permalink

Reposted from: http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Galleries/7-Signs-You-Are-With-the-Person-You-Should-Marry.aspx?utm_source=keywee&utm_medium=paid_distribution&utm_campaign=keyweeJUN&kwp_0=30262&kwp_4=170323&kwp_1=167855#

If you’re in love, how do you know that you’re with the one? Is there a bright flashing light that says “The One”? Odds are, probably not – unless you’re in Vegas. In the mean time here are seven signs to help tell you that you’re with your soulmate .

Butterflies

You get butterflies that outlast your first real disagreement or argument.

Future Talk

When the two of you discuss the future, you both put each other in it and focus on making a life together.

Morals and Values

You share the same morals and values. You don’t have to agree about politics or sports teams, just as long as you support each other’s morals and values.

Envisioning the Future

You can’t imagine your life without this person. It goes beyond infatuation, you genuinely feel like God made this person for you.

It’s Effortless

Your relationship doesn’t feel like a chore – it’s effortless. While you still work together to make the most out of your relationship, it doesn’t feel like a chore because you both want to be part of it. There’s a joint effort and a willingness to make the relationship blossom

You Want the Same Things

You want to make sure that the one you end up with wants the same things. Kids, purchase a home, travel, and careers are just some of the major discussions every couple should have. It’s important to be on the same page, so that you can continue the story.

Inner Circle Approval

Your friends and family approve. While it’s not the only factor that is necessary, once you’ve found the one – it is important that your inner circle signs off. Your friends and family will not be blinded by love when they meet and greet your new beau. Their opinions are meaningful in your life.

A New Memoir About What Happens When You Get Rid of All Your Stuff

Monday, July 27, 2015 Break -ups, Churches, Dating, Diet, Divorce, Exercise, Geaux Girl, Relationships, Sports, Woman's Health Permalink

Reposted from: http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2014/05/26/the_minimalists_everything_that_remains_is_a_new_memoir_about_living_with.html

By Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus

Joshua Fields Millburn (right) and Ryan Nicodemus, aka The Minimalists.

Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus—aka The Minimalists—are a pair of best friends who grew up poor in Dayton, Ohio, and were working in unfulfilling six-figure corporate careers at age 30, when they shed most of their belongings and started a popular blog about embracing simplicity. They have since become some of the country’s leading evangelists on the virtues of living with less. The friends, now 32, are currently on a 100-city tour to promote Everything That Remains, an earnest self-published memoir written by Millburn with footnotes by Nicodemus that attempts to recount their change of course and serves as a primer for those curious about what it means to be a modern minimalist. Here at the Eye, they share an adapted excerpt from the book in which Millburn reminisces about how his lifestyle transformation began at home, by figuring out what to do with all of his stuff.

I started small, asked myself: What if you removed one material possession—just one—from your life each day for a month? What would happen?

The result: I unloaded way more than 30 items in the first 30 days. It became a kind of personal challenge, discovering what I could get rid of, what I could get out of my way, how many unneeded things I could remove from my hoard. I searched my rooms and closets, cabinets and hallways, car and office, rummaging around for items to part with, retaining only the things I needed.

Pondering each artifact in my apartment, I’d ask simple questions like, Does this thing add value to my life? I learned that once you gain momentum, once you feel the benefits of removing the clutter from your life, embracing minimalism gets easier by the day. The more you do it, the freer and happier and lighter you feel, the more you want to throw overboard. A few shirts leads to half a closet. A few DVDs leads to deep-sixing almost an entire library of discs. A few decorative items leads to junk drawers who shed their adjective. It’s a beautiful cycle. The more action you take, the more you want to take action.

I didn’t just “declutter,” though. As far as I can tell, decluttering alone is sort of a farce, a trend promulgated on daytime TV and in trite magazine stories like “67 Ways to Declutter a Messy Home.” What we’re not told is that decluttering by itself doesn’t solve the problem, not long term anyway. Discussing how  to get rid of our stuff answers only the what side of the equation, but not the why; the action, but not the purpose; the how-to, but not the significantly more important why-to. In other words, the what is relatively easy. We all know instinctually how to declutter—how to get “organized.” But that’s just one part of the larger issue. Instead of “get organized,” I’ve decided I need to start thinking of organizing as a dirty word, a sneaky little profanity which keeps us from really simplifying our lives.

You see, our televisions would have us believe there’s a battle being fought on the consumption continuum, a battle between messy hoarders on one side and spruce organizers on the other. And from our couches it’s hard to see who’s winning. I’d like to posit, however, that these two sides are actually working together, colluding to achieve the same thing: the accumulation of more stuff. One side—the hoarders—does so overtly, leaving everything out in the open, making them easy targets to sneer at. But the other side—the sneaky organizers—are more covert, more systematic, when it comes to the accumulation of stuff.

Whether our homes are strewn with wall-to-wall junk or we have a color-coded and alphabetized methodology to camouflage our mess, we’re still not dealing with the real problem. No matter how organized we are, we must continue to care for the stuff we organize, sorting and cleaning our meticulously structured belongings. When we get rid of the superabundance of stuff, however, we can make room for life’s more important aspects. I can now spend my day focusing on that which is truly important—health, relationships, writing—instead of re-reorganizing my basement. Once the excess stuff is out of the way, staying organized is much easier anyway; it’s like getting organized without the stress of actual organizing.

It took confessing to myself that I was but a well-organized hoarder before I took action and really started removing the surplus stuff from my world.

When I got rid of the majority of my possessions, I was compelled to ask questions I wasn’t prepared for: When did I give so much meaning to material possessions? What is truly important in life? Why am I discontented? Who is the person I want to become? How will I define my own success?

These are tough questions with difficult answers. But they’ve proved to be much more important than just trashing my excess possessions. If we don’t answer them carefully, rigorously, then the closet we just decluttered will be brimming with new purchases in the not-too-distant future.

So as my belongings fell by the wayside, and I started facing life’s tougher questions, I felt less bloated, lighter, as if losing a kind of internal weight. I no longer needed the extra space in my oversize downtown apartment, so I moved into a smaller and considerably less expensive one-bedroom apartment, three blocks south. This new apartment has a view of the park across the street and is situated in a communal neighborhood in which people actually smile and wave and say hi to you when you walk by.

I guess you could say I’m a minimalist  now. Although if you visited my home you probably wouldn’t leap up and proclaim, “This guy’s a minimalist!” No, you’d probably just say “He’s tidy” and ask how I keep things so organized, and I’d simply grin and tell you that I don’t own many things, but each of my belongings—my kitchenware, my furniture, my clothes, my car—has a function or brings me joy.

Over time, situations will change. They always do. So I’m forced to ask the same important question over and over again: Does this thing add value to my life? But I don’t just ask this question about material possessions. Stuff was just the start. I ask it too in regard to relationships, Internet consumption, food, and more. I constantly ask because circumstances constantly change. Just because something adds value today, that doesn’t mean it will necessarily add value tomorrow. So I keep asking, and I adjust accordingly.