Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/dating/love-purgatory/1044856/

Written by: Lauren Skirvin

Breakups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost.

But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory.

But, this kind of breakup is not the same. This breakup happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over.

Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy.

It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad.

So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself.

That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her.

Then you are right back to square one.

There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out.

Then, there are some who crush you, who take months to get over.

But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good.

You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.”

It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together.

Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together.

The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over.

In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah.

So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again.

You don’t just sit around and listen to sad music and wait though.

You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function in life.

You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He or she just isn’t _____ (fill in the blank with your person).

“She’s not Rachel,” is the famous line from “Friends.”

Although, it actually went more like, “She’s not Rachem,” for laughs. And, that is what this person, who has kept you in love purgatory, makes you feel; no one can ever compare.

Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal

Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after.

Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, breakup, makeup and go through hell with our person until it finally works out.

Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down.

Whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again.

Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all the great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will.

But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct.

Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “If you were mature about love it wouldn’t be this hard.”

But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How do you know?” Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else.

People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy.

If it’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier.

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.

Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/dating/love-find-choice-make/1284936/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=EG&utm_content=1284936

Written by: Paul Hudson

Falling in love, being in love, loving for eternity — these are individual states of being, but they’re also impossible to separate from each other. Each phase is necessary for true love to happen and to continue. If you take any of the variables out of the equation, what you’re left with isn’t love.

This is the problem. How do some relationships fail from the start, and others take years to fall apart? Why do some relationships never fail?

I’d point to people not understanding the importance of each “stage” of love. I say “stage” because these things tend to progress in order. You have to fall in love to be in love, and you have to be in love to commit yourself wholly to someone — to love for eternity.

There are no shortcuts. This is the natural order of things, and it is the way it will always be.

Most people believe love must be found. I disagree. Someone worth loving must be found. But love itself isn’t something you stumble on. It’s not something that even exists when you and the love of your life meet. It comes later.

It takes time to develop, to nurture and maintain. Love doesn’t come easily. And the belief that love should be constant and effortless is the reason why people get their hearts broken so often. It’s why relationships and marriages fail. It’s why some of us lose hope in ever finding true love. It’s why some of us give up on it altogether.

In the end, love comes down to a decision. You have to consciously decide that you love your partner, and you need to decide this every day for the rest of your shared life.

Love isn’t something you find; it’s a choice you make. And I can prove that.

1. Falling in love

Meeting the right person is a beautiful thing. It’s not easy to find someone you feel comfortable around. It’s exciting not to be alone anymore, to no longer have to go through life without holding someone’s hand. It’s exciting to believe you’ve met someone you can fall for.

Excitement and mystery make falling in love possible. And these emotions bring us to the first “stage,” or as I call it — falling in love.

But before you know you’ve fallen in love, you have to first think you’re falling in love. And the difference between thinking you’re falling in love and actually falling in love comes down to your choices.

2. Being in love

Being in love is life’s greatest teacher. You’re “in love” once the excitement of falling in love (the first stage) begins to wane. The storm begins to calm.

Of course, you still think about your partner all the time. You care for him or her and want to spend time together. But the intensity you felt in the beginning of the relationship is no longer as strong.

This psychological and hormonal change is what most often scares people away. This is when most people begin to question their love. They wonder if they’re with the right person. They wonder if what they have is “true love” — or if their feelings were not simply a result of a chemical high. They wonder if they still love their partner.

They used to feel so excited, but now they’re comfortable. And even though people generally aim to be comfortable in life, being comfortable in love is scary.

Many people want stability in every area of their lives except for love. They want love to sweep them off their feet, day after day. But love doesn’t work like that. Sometimes love is quiet.

3. Loving

Only people who reach the uncertainty and self-doubt inherent in “being in love” (the second stage) get to the last one, which is simply “loving.” This is the kind of love that lasts, the one that weathers storms and bumps and bruises.

The people in the last stage have realized love is a choice. They know love wanes only when we let it. It disappears when we stop being conscious of our choices in love.

It’s a shame that we’re taught to believe that love should make things easier — that meeting the right person is enough to make us happy.

Because if we were taught that love takes work — that it takes conscious effort and devotion — hearts wouldn’t break nearly as often as they do. The world is in shambles because people don’t understand what it means to love.

And unless you decide to love — unless you choose to love — you’ll never be happy.

Reposted from: http://elitedaily.com/dating/dont-want-to-be-friends/1203631/

Written by: Sandy Reitman

You’ve been dating him for a while. Long enough that you’re really invested. He knows all of you. You know each other so well and so intimately.

Maybe you’ve lived together or shared holidays; maybe you’ve traveled together, or you’ve got a routine down. You know what he’ll order off a menu, and he knows what you like to drink. He gets you, and you get him.

But now, your relationship is coming to an end, and you have to have the dreaded breakup conversation (insert eye roll here). He tells you why he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, and you agree on some level.

You knew it wasn’t totally working, but this sucks. At the end of it all, you know you’re breaking up, but he insists he “still wants to be friends.”

Friends, huh? FRIENDS? Like one of those friends you play videos games with and draft your fantasy football team with? Or the friends you usually forget to call back? The kind of friends you only see at weddings or the ones you hang with on the reg?

We’re “friends” who just spent the last few months — or years — dating and really getting to know each other. Getting to know each other’s families, psychoses and idiosyncrasies. We were more than just friends — we were lovers.

Reposted from: http://lauradoyle.org/blog/give-up-control/

Written by: Laura Doyle

15 Things Happen When You Give Up Control

The World-Famous System for Relinquishing Control has Unexpected Side Effects

What happens when 18 women tell the up-close and personal story of how their marriages were struggling in some way, and describe exactly how they stopped controlling to restore the passion and playfulness?

First, you get an inspiring book of best practices for a playful, passionate marriage, which you can then apply to your own relationship.

Second, some other patterns emerge.

Let’s say you’re in the habit of giving your husband “helpful suggestions,” like all of us were.

Or maybe you’re less subtle about it, and you just come right out and tell him what to do, like we also did.

And let’s say that one day you decide to stop controlling…

Then what?

Here’s what we found out by putting all the first-hand accounts together in the book Surrendered Wives Empowered Women: Inspiring True Stories of Women Who Made Their Relationships Intimate, Passionate and Peaceful Again: As soon as you stop controlling your guy, your relationship gets so much better!

AND all of this happens too…

1) You discover your real purpose in the world.

This one is obvious if you think about it.

Being the arm-chair critic of your man’s life is a big distraction from your own life, which you’re not paying attention to when you’re trying to control him.

It’s like your life is riding around in a car with no one at the wheel, maybe faking an injury so it can get some attention.

What emerged is that as we stopped focusing on him, our real purpose in the world was there waiting for us, calling us to come out of hiding.

Relinquishing inappropriate control led us to the joy of doing what we were born to do.

2) You regain your dignity.

None of us liked feeling like our mother on her worst day.

The part where you keep calm and carry on like a Londoner during The Battle of Britain in WWII? Surprisingly gratifying.

3) You get a lot more energy.

Controlling someone you can’t control is exhausting.